My screwed up mind doesn’t know
What my heart believes is so
This constant war between the North and South
I could never really show
Constantly faced with bullets of doubt
Not sure where it all began
But I hope to God the soul gets out
I trust you brought your armor
‘Cause it’s about to get real
I pray you hold your tears
There’s a chance you’ll start to feel
Weary is my body fighting every day
Soon I’ll collapse as I begin to cave
I’m gonna need you there
When my blood is pooling out
I’m gonna want you there
When I fall and let you down
Especially when I fail
And let you down
War Inside
The Honeymoon’s Over
Keep your distance
I’m about to lose my mind
And there’s no telling what I may do
It’s not due to this one instance
But a prolonged blow-up long overdue
Some nasty fat I’ve had to chew
Must move on to the next course
Did you ever think that you may be the problem?
Spare a moment off your high horse
Play with the crazy notion
That even an angel could fall
Try to look me in the eye
And realize you’re not so tall
My heart routinely breaks everytime you get bruised
Trying to keep your head above water
Don’t you know I’d love to save you
Wrestle and fight you to let me in
I want to come flying in with the light of day
But I’ve found some battles I just can’t win
Softly whispers the desolate truth
I’ll never be the one to save you
Love…anyway
I had asked a friend of mine why he and his dad don’t speak. This was his response:
“I don’t like him cause he thumps Bibles. He doesn’t like me ’cause I f–k guys.”
My heart broke a little when I realized his father wears the name “Christian”.
What hurting people need to hear are the words, “I love you”. People aren’t going to see our churches with all our fancy technology and extravagant buildings and want to be there. They’re looking for acceptance, compassion, love.
If God is love, then the church should be a house of love.
Remember that you used to be stuck in your sinful ways, but someone loved you all along the way. He never gave up on you because of that pure love He had for you.
“Love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first.”–1 John 4:19(Message)
Isn’t that beautiful? We have the opportunity to do exactly what was done for us. Be prepared for the weird looks and the hateful words from this world ’cause it looks a bit insane to be putting yourself below others.
It’s not socially acceptable to be this accepting of humans from every walk of life.
Fear is the big obstacle that Satan will try to throw in your way when you make the decision to love people. Fear of losing status, money, time, relationships, etc., all because you decided to love without conditions. Reminisce on being a kid and none of that mattering. On the playground everyone was equal and if you pushed my swing, we were automatically best friends.
“When we were children we’d say that we don’t know the meaning of fear”–One Republic
Fear only cripples our ability to love. Let’s get back to that fearless loving.
I pray that we can learn from the simple examples that Jesus gave us, whether it be asking someone’s name( Legion in Luke 8 ) or having dinner with someone(Zaccheus). The hope is we could show people like my friend that love covers all of us.
“The command we have from Christ is blunt: Loving God includes loving people. You’ve got to love both.”–1 John 4:21
Food for your ears: “Crazy Love”–Hawk Nelson, “Fear”–One Republic, “Love Is In The House”–Tobymac
On My Own
It seems you didn’t care to stick around
Every time that I fell down
We had always been so close
But those were the times when I needed you the most
When I marched into the line of fire
You’d quietly drift away
Probably afraid of going down with me
You should know
I didn’t plan it to be this way
I didn’t purposefully walk away
But you gave me no voice
Always dreamt of our life so full of bliss
Didn’t want it to end like this
But you’ve left me no choice
When I cried for help
You only thought of yourself
Didn’t want to start
Or have any part
Of my mess
And I must confess
I don’t know how I’ll make it
But I will
On my own
More Than Useless
I’ve been here in Denver for over 3 weeks and haven’t blogged…my apologies! It’s been so much fun seeing familiar faces from last summer and how some have changed for the better, getting off the streets and custody of their kids. And at the same time, my heart breaks for the ones that seem to not be able to shake the drugs and see how they’re worth so much more than some random guy they sleep with. Pray that I’m able to shine a love only found in our amazing Heavenly Father.
So, there are 9 interns this year(5 gals, 4 guys) and last Thursday we were told to meet at the apartment/office with only what we really couldn’t live without(meds, walking shoes, etc, NO cellphones.). When we got there at 11am we were told we’d be living the life that many of our friends do for the next day. The staff gave us backpacks, sleeping bags, blankets, jackets, snacks, and told us to grab any toiletries we think we might need. We were then divided into 2 groups with Mickey and Tonya as a guide for each. Mickey and Tonya are former streetkids, “Gutterpunks” that are married and are a huge help in giving our youth groups in the summer a taste of what being a homeless kid is like.
We were then given a scenario that required us to check our email. We made our long walk to the public library to access it, packs on our backs. Tonya was our leader and brought along her dog, Sadie, which made me miss my dogs a bit. We were able to pull up the email and called a phone number of our friend who said we’d be able to crash at her place for the night.
We were given the task to make a sign that read “Can you spare a smile?”. We found some cardboard near the dumpsters of the businesses downtown. We each got a turn to stand on a busy intersection with the sign in our hands and apathy on our faces. It was interesting to see how many people gave us a grin and who purposefully looked at their phone and out the other side of the car just so they could avoid making eye contact. For each smile we got, we received 50 cents from Tonya and ended up with 3 bucks each. It was lunch time and we concluded we’d get more food for our buck at Mcdonald’s.
Because we had the dog, Tonya and 2 interns went in to get the dollar menu chow while the 3 of us stood outside and waited. As we stood there, a business man, who I believe worked in the building above, informed us that the sidewalk we stood on was privately/business owned and that we needed to move. I let him know that we were customers waiting for our friends to bring our order but he insisted we leave. Not wanting trouble, we moved to the median of the mall walk where other kids were sitting on benches. The others brought our food and we sat down. One woman on a bench was kind to let us know that the police would hand us a ticket if we stayed sitting on the ground. We gratefully thanked her, but frustratedly got up and walked to sit at the public tables a few blocks down.
Handing out the Mcdoubles and chowing down, we sat there and just took in all the looks we got and how if we hadn’t had our packs on, that businessman would’ve never approached us and kicked us out. Tonya then gave us the task of “spanging” which is where streetkids ask for spare change from walkers on the mall. However, we’d be asking what time it is instead of requesting money. We had to use the phrase, “Can you spare the time?”. Each of us were given 15 minutes to see how many people we could get to answer us…I only got 12. It’s amazing that, worded that way, so many people just gave me the head shake, sometimes the hand. One guy even smirked at me. Ouch is an understatement.
It was FINALLY time for bowling which meant we could catch bus with Dry Bones and come back for a free meal in an abandoned lot afterwards. Bowling was great, but this time I had to drag my closet a.k.a. pack with me. It was nice to be in air conditioning and hanging with my sometimes competitive friends.
When we got to “the feeding” we jumped in line and got our plates filled with a delicious dinner. Tonya took all of us to the side as we were eating. Bad news had come( btw, I saw that coming). Our friend had got in trouble and would not be able to let us stay for the night. Tonya said we’d be “squatting” under a bridge later but we weren’t allowed to go there yet because the police would kick us out.
We had to kill a few hours so we went back to the 16th st mall. We sat around the piano and listened to one of our musically talented friends lay down some jams, including Ceelo’s “Forget You”. Good times. As we sat around, many people were leaving restaurants with to-go boxes. Tonya said we were free to try and see what we could get. If we got it, we could eat it. A couple of interns scored pasta and cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. Yum! I sat at the end of the group and hadn’t tried to get anything yet. I must’ve looked pathetic, but this kind man walked up to me and said, “Here, you look hungry” and handed me a bag that had some steak and delicious brussel sprouts from his dinner. So good!
In the midst of it Tonya asked if we had noticed how some people passing us were looking at us in disgust, when we were only trying to survive. I visually recall one lady scoffing at us as she walked.
It was now dark and safe to head to our squat under the bridge. As we made our way closer, we had to split and go in 2 different groups, so as not to draw attention. This squat happened to be near a club that had music popping all into the crazy hours of 3am. We had some nice camping talk, debriefing our day and how tired we were, and some crazy/fun question and answers. We decided to finally go to sleep and got in our sleeping bags. In had such a long, physically tough and such a mental blow for me. On top of that, a few drunk fights went on that I witnessed. Needless to say, my sleep was awful.
Mickey woke us up at 5:45am because construction workers were showing up and we needed to move out. To think, my friends have to do the spanging and walking all over again, feel the sense of not belonging anywhere, getting scoffed at, only to not even get a decent sleep…my heart goes out to every one of them.
“All my complaints shrink to nothing
I’m ashamed of all my somethings
She’s glad for one day of comfort
Only because she has suffered”—-”Fully Alive” by Flyleaf
Like A Child
We are given children to test us and make us more spiritual.—George Will
This world sometimes brings me down and I wonder if I’ll ever get back to God in the purest and most honest way. Then 8:45am comes on Tuesday and I start welcoming those little faces in with hugs and high-fives. Talk about superheroes and the anticipation of play-doh and paint activities is happening and no matter how terrible I’d felt before, I can’t help but smile. Our circle time comes and we sing and include all 8 of their names in our welcome song, provided I tickle individually when it’s their verse. We talk of the love God has for us and sing and sign “Jesus Loves The Little Children”. Review of our colors becomes a crazy “shout louder than Ms. Audrey to see what crazy face she makes”.
In all they do, I see holiness. They listen intently to our Bible story and believe. They answer confidently that God made them and loves them. When I can tell that one little boy just can’t sit still any longer we take a little dance break provided by Audio Adrenaline and TobyMac.
At play time, it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing or if you’re “cool enough”, if you spin a hula hoop or kick a ball, you’re a new best friend. Even when one is having trouble sharing, I get to explain that God loves them and their friends and loves when they can play together. Monster bites at lunch time show me that even meal time, though a human necessity, is a fun experience. Snuggling during movie time and reading books before nap are just beautiful moments. Tucking them in and putting on my worship playlist and seeing them snoozing is peaceful.
Praising when they get their own shoes on or when they get to the potty on time is so exciting. Then talking about what we made and did that day and seeing mommy pick them up brings a huge grin to their face as they grab a treat and give me a goodbye hug.
God, I’m so blessed, 8 times over! 
“They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would listen and believe
With faith like a child”—Jars of Clay
The Game
The majority of Dry Bones staff member’s day is spent walking the streets of Denver. The purpose in this is seeing what their friends, the streetkids, are up to and how life is going for them. One of these days I walked with a couple interns and Robbie, who is on staff, down towards one of the parks downtown. The whole walk I continuously prayed that God would use us and lead us to the people that we needed to love on at that moment.
When we made it to the park, a girl in her early twenties spotted us and exclaimed, “Robbie!” as her eyes lit up at the sight of him. She came running to us and as quickly as joy was expressed in her face at the sight of us, it was just as quick to escape. Something like shame and sadness were showing in her eyes. Robbie wrapped his arms around her and she physically and emotionally just fell apart. The tears rolled down and I knew Robbie knew more than we interns did about what she was dealing with. We backed ourselves up a bit so she could more privately discuss with him what was causing her to be this way. We decided to talk with a couple other street kids in the park nearby.
After about 5 minutes, Robbie introduced us to her. She was thin, very thin and so worn and broken looking. Her face being sunken in and some scars on her arms told me that some things that weren’t meant to be in anyone’s life had raged a war on her and were winning. We talked a little, but then the time came for us to make our way back home. As we said goodbye, she started weeping again. I felt the need to hug this girl that I’d known for 5 minutes and thankfully she accepted. She lastly hugged Robbie and it was in such a way that a daughter would hold her Father. She just kept saying, “I’m tired”, “I don’t know what to do” and such between her tears. Robbie kept saying, “I know sweetie, you’re ready to get out of the game”.
As we made our walk back, Robbie gave us a little background on the girl. First off, he said he hadn’t seen her for many months and she used to weigh more and look a lot healthier. Drugs and bad influences had definitely taken over her life and were bringing her down. He then told us that she’s just about ready to get out of the game.
“Married to the Game, but she broke Her vows”—Lil Wayne
If there’s anything I’ve learned about Satan and how he works, it’s that he makes stuff look so damn beautiful. He sugar coats it and fans that sweet aroma your way to keep your nose coming his way. He’s full of promises but it’s all empty words. Enticing and crafty are his ways.
It’s no coincidence that the deaf culture’s sign for “addiction” is a crooked finger pulling the mouth. A little fix of a sin gets you hooked, and then it just keeps pulling you down to your ultimate low.
“I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.” Romans 7:24-25 (The Message)
God, tear down the chains of sin. I am free.
Redemption, Passion, Glory by the Dizmas
I’ve been worshiping with this song for the past week and just had to share it! I was so excited when I found where Zach explains the meaning behind it. Even though they are no longer playing, the music still uplifts me.
This is redemption, that you would die for me
And this is salvation, that you would live in me
That you would live in me
This is redemption, this is salvation
This is our mission, and this is our passion
What love is this that you would die for me? (Let’s start this over)
What love is this?
This is redemption, that you would die for me
And this is salvation, that you would live in me
That you would live in me
This is rejection, that they would all hate me
And this is submission that I would live holy
That I would live holy
What love is this that you would die for me? (Let’s start this over)
Let’s start this over and we’ll see
Just where this love will take us
Your presence shows us grace
Right here in our own meditation
What love is this?
Creation finds your mercy
Redemption, passion, glory
Creation finds submission
Redemption, passion, glory
Behind the Song:“It’s kind of a theological song but very simple at the same time. It’s about getting to know God more and finding security in the Lord. It’s about making our prayers more than one-way conversations where we just call out with our needs, but to really lay it all at the foot of the cross and listen in silence. We need to get back to the fact that our God is a complex God, but that His message is simple- that Jesus died and raised again. All you have to do is fall at His feet and talk to Him.” – Zach Zegan (Dizmas)
Love Over Listlessness
I love lists. I love creating them, posting them as a visual reminder, crossing them out. Formulas also bring me comfort in knowing how to get from point A to point B seamlessly(though, you probably couldn’t tell from my past math grades).
If I eat this and run this then I’ll weigh this…
If I make this and finish this it results in owning this…
I feel accomplished when I mark off the things I completed on the list. A list helps me know where I’m at and where I want to be. It can be my motivation just to see what I could do.
It can also be overwhelming and make me depressed when I hold a list that just keeps growing longer. Sometimes I approach the Word with this mindset. I try to find the formula that will bring me contentment. I start making a list of the qualities I need to become a true follower of Christ.
One formula that I’ve heard stressed at at SOME churches of Christ is God’s plan for salvation which is a formula that looks like this: 1. Hear 2. Believe 3. Repent 4. Confess 5.Be Baptized
I hate the strain that’s been put on this. I know I’m stepping on toes, but if you give me a chance I’ll explain.
I think I’ve just been rubbed the wrong way by some who preach this constantly. I think God is a whole lot more complicated than any formula and a ton simpler than any list. He is Love. God is Love. Without love, you have no God. Without God, you don’t have love.
If you allow yourself to fall in love with the Creator that loves you, then you’ll be willing to please Him and want to do everything for Him out of love…not because it’s a to do list.
Love attracts. This world is gonna notice when you become an example of this crazy love. It’s one that decides to let go of climbing the social status ladder and be romanced by your first Love with open arms.
Maybe I’m rambling…yes, I am. But there it is. Next time you’re digging into the Word, trying to find your formula or list, decide instead to read it like a love letter because that’s what it is. Switching up versions sometimes helps too.
“I was made to love and be loved by You”—Made to Love by Tobymac
Vanilla in my Coke
I wasn’t wanting a brother
I didn’t want to leave our old church
I didn’t want Jordan to go to public school
I wasn’t wanting a job
Summer 2010, I didn’t want to get emotionally attached
I didn’t want to deal with confronting a friend
I didn’t want vanilla in my coke
…and yet, my friend and I are closer than I’d ever imagined we would be
…I got attached, extremely, and it’s such a great reminder to be on my knees for my friends on the streets
…but I was introduced to the perspective of a child, and both jobs continue to teach me to have faith like a child
…then her road switchin lanes taught me where I need to be, out of my comfort zone and in the world, loving on people
…but followed suite and found a family that loves me and builds me up like never before
…then got one and began to learn so much from him, being challenged spiritually and sharpened and loved by him
…oh, but that carhop may have made the greatest mistake ’cause see, I didn’t want vanilla in my coke, but as I drank it, I realized it was just what I needed.
God knows just what I don’t want, and exactly what I do need.
